an urgent message from our founder

Before you click to yet another article about some Groupon IPO intrigue, please consider this. I’ve discovered several top-secret tech industry programs whose purpose is to destroy Humanity. They have suitable “black project” codenames, but in a mindfuck that only Julian Assange could invent, the codenames (and their corresponding society-dismantling projects) are openly discussed and celebrated by everyone involved in the conspiracy.

Two of these conspiracies are codenamed “SOCIAL”, and “SPATIAL”.

The trouble with SOCIAL is that exponentially increasing numbers of people are hooking into social networks and being prevented from reading, seeing, hearing about, buying, investing in, criticizing, examining, or caring about anything IMPORTANT.

There is more to life on Earth than SOCIAL, because your glittering “SOCIAL” network web apps will NOT CONNECT YOU WITH PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN BROKEN SOCIETIES, OR EVEN WITH PEOPLE IN YOUR OWN SOCIETY OR TOWN OR SCHOOL OR WORKPLACE WHO DESPERATELY NEED HELP. INNOVATIVE UX IS NOT WHAT IS MISSING FROM OUR IMPOVERISHED EXISTENCES JUST AT THIS PRECISE MOMENT IN HISTORY.

Much worse than SOCIAL is the sinister SPATIAL. The advent of SPATIAL will make you ignore distant places and problems even more forcefully, because after all there aren’t any Groupon deals for you to take advantage of in THE FUCKING GAZA STRIP.

I just had Google prove it for me in a microsecond, here is a screenshot:

I’m sorry Palestinians, but you don’t have enough fucking money to buy Google Ads that place you at the top of us privileged white peoples’ search results. NOT ONLY THAT, IN THE NON PAID LINKS, THE TOP TWO HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH GROUPON! THEY’RE NEWS STORIES ABOUT SOMETHING SOME MILITANT “GROUP ON” SUNDAY THAT DID SOMETHING!

(Maybe I should have clicked on “Advanced Search?”)

SPATIAL is even worse when combined with another top secret soul destroying project, codenamed “EMERGING MARKETS”. In this latest taxpayer boondoggle we clever Americans will be selling cheap Android phones to all those desperate “emerging markets” consumers, who are eager to taste the benefits of Westernized industrial society, and are therefore JUST BEGGING for more SOCIAL PHOTO SHARING APPS in their daily lives. But it will probably just enable their own governments (or ours!) to observe and control them more effectively.

I bet Google CANNOT FUCKING WAIT to monetize the COMING WAVE of unique, charming, prepubescent Sudanese girls all Twittering about being gang raped and infected with multiple strains of HIV with each and every rape. Maybe some REALLY clever SOCIAL developers will create a SOCIAL mashup application where you can click different countries on a map of Africa and see a vast selection of Tweets, all from different malnourished 11-year old African girls, about their VERY FIRST gang rape, WITH EACH CLICK. They will then sue another company who has a similar app for watching non-violent offenders of all races and sexes being raped and infected with HIV by federal prison guards IN AMERICA, and accuse this other company of copying their SOCIAL app idea, sort of like Zynga and that other company they’re suing over SOCIAL app ideas. Maybe the software patent in question will relate to “A System And Design For International One-Click Social Media Micro-Donations” so that SOCIAL users can occasionally send 0.000000031 bitcoin to an HIV-infected girl in the Sudan so that she can buy 0.001 of one tablet
(A TABLET OF MEDICATION, NOT A FUCKING IPAD!) of some patented HIV drug, that will help her live just a little bit longer so that she can be gang raped just a few more times before she finally expires in a contaminated ditch.

What exactly did you fucking people EXPECT when you privatized the ENTIRE global communications infrastucture? The point of Facebook is to monetize Facebook and the point of Google is to monetize Google, NO MATTER WHAT PEOPLE DO WITH GOOGLE AND FACEBOOK. What did you think tech companies with 70 billion dollars in the bank and zero debt are FOR??

I thought we were supposed to use computers to help us communicate and solve the tough problems that face HUMANITY—NOT just the tough problems that face the SOCIAL/SPATIAL global tech industry (which is now permanently interwoven with global military IT needs.) Right? After all, President Obama told us that this is the age of Google and Facebook, right?

Aren’t we as tech developers ALL ABOUT thinking outside the box, embracing simplicity, pushing the envelope in UX, and making sure all your Java dweebs program in pairs and know how to properly refactor Java classes?

My urgent message to the tech industry is thus,

“STOP, YOU GODDAMN TWITTERING IDIOTS!”

But somehow Twitter’s microslice of my nuanced worldview fails to capture even the small message contained in this short and pointless internet text file. Thus no one “IMPORTANT” in tech will ever hear it.

(Maybe I should apply for a job at Twitter to see if I can change this by means of some really clever HTML5. Whereupon we will be sued out of existence by Intellectual Ventures for some goddamn software patent some client of theirs has on HTML5.)

But it gets much worse. If Google or any of these other INSANELY GREAT tech companies—who supposedly lift markets and lift humanity with their innovations and their Great People—if ANY ONE of these companies REALLY had any bright, energetic, empathetic people like me who exercise several times a week, spend time with their families, read real paper books, and who are truly excited about computer SCIENCE and even in bullshit like “technology’s extraordinary ability to connect people and places together”—THEN, someone at Google would SURELY have sent an URGENT email such as the very email you are reading now, to Eric Schmidt of Google JUST IN TIME FOR THE 2011 Bilderberg conference, where he could have handed out a fancy napkin with a QR code that makes the message pop up on all their BlackBerry Playbooks when they scan it (wow!) and then FINALLY this select group of all the world’s most wealthy and IMPORTANT and powerful people, who are amazingly coming together to discuss the problems that face Humanity in a neutral and open forum JUST IN TIME FOR MY URGENT MESSAGE TO GET THERE, can finally UNDERSTAND WHAT IS GOING ON, and just MAYBE these guys, who are used to skimming 2,000 page memoranda for information that is actually useful, will SOMEHOW pay attention to this one all-caps sentence simply because it is in all caps:

THE HUMAN RACE GENERALLY DOES NOT CRY OUT AND BEG FOR MORE SOCIAL NETWORKING, PUBLIC DEBT, FREE VOIP, PREDATOR DRONES, OR ANDROID TABLETS WITH CAMERAS ON BOTH FRONT AND BACK. NOR DO THEY WANT FEDERAL PRISONS OVERCROWDED WITH NON VIOLENT OFFENDERS. NO, HUMANS GENERALLY WANT FOOD AND WATER AND SHELTER AND EDUCATION AND ACCESS TO LIFESAVING VACCINES AND ALL THAT BORING SHIT WE GET FOR FREE IN AMERICA BECAUSE OF HOW MUCH TAX THESE MEGA TECH COMPANIES AND THEIR EXECUTIVES PAY. (OH WAIT.)

But they surely ignored it and laughed, as they (the Bilderbergers or whomever you like) are actually the designers of the society destroying master project codenamed “IMPORTANT”.

And we can no longer ELECT anyone, anywhere, who can change it or even mention it. NOT EVEN THE GUY WHO INVENTED THE INTERNET.

Humanity is doomed. That is all.